|Thursday, November 1st, 2012|
Dia de los Muertos
I have been teaching Sunday School at our Unitarian Universalist church and we spent a few sessions studying Dia de los Muertos. I have decided I really like this holiday. It is a way to remember loved ones who are no longer alive but it is colorful and even joyful.
So I created an "ofrenda" with my sons and we put sugar skulls we made and decorated on it and printed out pictures. I realized I didn't have any pictures of Iain easily accessible. :-( If I can find one I'll put it on the altar but if not I have his hat that I always wore.
It's supposed to be the time when the veil between the living and the dead is thinnest so our ancestors and loved ones can reach us more easily. I really like that idea because I so wish I could talk to him again.
I will light a candle for him. Current Mood: thoughtful
|Thursday, February 23rd, 2012|
I just noticed that LiveJournal is purging some accounts?
"Purging of inactive accounts: As noted in news, inactive accounts are systematically being deleted if they have never posted an entry, and have not been logged into in the past 2 years."
I'm afraid they will purge this one, and I'd like to keep it. So this post is just a holding action, if that's possible
|Sunday, October 10th, 2010|
That time of year again...
Well - it's that time of year. I'm thinking about Iain again as Oct 5 came and went. I've been too busy to feel much of anything besides scared and stressed and overwhelmed as we try to save our home from foreclosure, but then I realized that October is the birthday time for my father and Iain both. I miss them. If the veil between living and dead really does grow thinner around Samhain I would wish to somehow communicate with them. And Steve Arlow too. Strange how the people who touch our lives become a part of us in some way. Current Mood: pensive
|Tuesday, November 4th, 2008|
As I sit here watching the election results come in, I keep remembering how, four years ago, I watched the results come in, and as things went bad, then worse, I kept thinking of Iain and how much he would have hated to see it.
I wish he were here to see the news tonight. And I think of him as I watch, and wait, and hope. Current Mood: indescribable
|Thursday, October 16th, 2008|
Loss and Identity
I am not my son; my son is not me. That is all the insight I have for now.
Rosalee Sorels says it:
We're not one, we're worlds apart, you and I
Child of my body, bone of my bone, apple of my eye.
|Saturday, October 4th, 2008|
Tomorrow is the anniversary of Iain's birth. October makes me think of Iain and my father (his birthday was Oct as well). My own son's birthday is October 19th. It makes me feel so very sad for mecmom
. I want to send her lots of love. I still think of Iain at moments - when I hear a song, when I read certain things, when I eat certain foods...
We heal but never fully I suppose. Current Mood: sad
|Friday, September 7th, 2007|
|Thursday, September 6th, 2007|
|Wednesday, August 29th, 2007|
"Out of the Darkness" walk for suicide prevention?
[cross-posted to shadowriderhope
I've been thinking for a while about taking part in one of the Out of the Darkness
walks to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
, but always seem to miss the dates. There are walks coming up in Ann Arbor (9/16), Lansing (9/15), Metro Detroit (10/7) and elsewhere.
If I were to organize a team in Iain's memory, would any of you be interested in joining me? If so, which of the locations would be best for you - Ann Arbor, Metro Detroit (Kensington Metropark in Milford, near Novi), Lansing, or elsewhere? We could also join an existing team, such as the one sponsored by the U-M Depression Center
Although it's coming up soon, it doesn't appear to be too late to register, and doing the walk is free.
~ Hope Current Mood: determined
|Friday, May 11th, 2007|
|Thursday, February 22nd, 2007|
|Saturday, February 10th, 2007|
Pretzels and Chowder
The strangest things remind me of Iain...
today I was eating a bowl of the soup I made and decided to toss some of the broken pretzels (a casualty of my children's lunches) on top.
Suddenly I was reminded of going to Dominick's with Iain. This was a restaurant where "picofests" were often held. He would order (and after he introduced me to it I ordered it too!) a bowl of the clam chowder and a side of pretzel nuggets. Then he showed me you carefully cut the pretzels in half with your teeth so they made perfect little scoops. You then used them to scoop some of the chowder out.
This was especially wonderful on a cold fall day when we were all eating outside.
I miss you Iain. Current Mood: thoughtful
|Friday, February 2nd, 2007|
ec is not online. *sigh*
It's the little things. I'm on intranet, trying to figure out something that is probably child's play in linux, and I would usually ask Iain. He'd always explain it slowly and with small words so my poseur-geek brain could understand, and he always had that friendly, slightly goofy online presence that always brought a smile to my face.
I type w
, and ec is not logged on.
I miss him. And I miss the world that contained him, the world with Iain in it. Current Mood: sad
|Wednesday, December 20th, 2006|
Just another weird memory
The weirdest stuff makes me think of Iain.
Today I was playing a free online version of Lemmings.
We had an Amiga and both of us played Lemmings a lot on the Amiga.
After our divorce when Iain took the Amiga and I eventually bought myself a PC, I got Lemmings for my new PC.
Iain was right - it sucked on PC.
As I sat here playing with it with my son I kept thinking how amused Iain would be to see how excited by it R (7) was. It really makes me sad because if our barely begun renewal of friendship had been able to grow I think Iain would have really enjoyed meeting my kids.
|Saturday, October 14th, 2006|
I've been having the weirdest dreams about Iain. It's almost like I am dreaming some alternate future where we stayed married and had sweet romantic moments.
Now, I love my husband. I adore my husband. I respect my husband and am very very happy that I found him. So at first it kind of bothered me that I was having all these dreams with Iain in them. I felt sort of weird about it.
But now I really do almost feel like it is a metaphoric communication. Like it is me dreaming some sort of closure maybe?
Most recently I had one where I was dancing with Iain before anyone else was there at a big con where we were setting things up. Oddly I could picture his face with that dark hair and those amazing eyes very clearly even though I haven't seen him in years.
I still wish I could have somehow made things different but I'm starting to let it go I think. Very slowly. Siiiiiiiiiigh
|Monday, October 2nd, 2006|
It's like a usually buried ache. Things remind me. I guess because it is close to his birthday.
I should call mecmom
and check in. Today I heard the radio show The Infinite Mind
about "Virtual Communities" and naturally I thought of Iain.
We *met* in a virtual community. Well sort of. We met online in "Arbornet" and then met in person at a picofest and began dating.
I just kept thinking of how much I wish we could be friends again and I could call him up or email him and talk about the radio show. I know he'd have had a lot of insight. I miss his laugh and the wonderful way he was so open with his delight.
Damn. It really doesn't get easier does it? Current Mood: sad
|Thursday, August 17th, 2006|
|Sunday, February 12th, 2006|
Yet another weird dream
I'm starting to admit that I just still have a little piece of guilt around Iain that I won't give up for a while, possibly a long time, in spite of knowing that it is mostly illogical.
Last night I had this odd dream - I was traveling to a conference, a professional education related conference, in Ann Arbor. My flight got cancelled due to snow and the next one wasn't out til the next day. For some bizarre reason, of all the people I know in A2, Iain picked me up and took me to his house. He apparently had broken up with Jennie and Chris, moved back to A2 and had a HUGE house. You know how weird things are in dreams? Well, he offered to let me take a shower and his bathroom had this HUGE swimming pool in it. So I decided to get in, and a lot of my old Ann Arbor friends were there tlatoani
, and others. We were talking a lot. It was really comfortable.
I just wish some of it could be true. I just have this deeply buried and persistent sadness that he is gone. The ultimate in lost chances. Sigh.
|Friday, December 16th, 2005|
And I still think of him
I just watched the "Day of the Dead" episode on season 5 of B5. For those who haven't seen it you can read a synopsis here
but in short: There is a rare religious celebration honoring the dead and a bunch of people meet up with important dead people from their past.
It really made me think a lot about Iain. Again.
There is a rather nice bit where Garibaldi meets up with this Marine he had a one night almost stand with. (or maybe it was a one night stand, I forget) anyway - they spend a lot of time just talking. And I couldn't help but think that if I could have a night like that with Iain I would give a lot. Just one night, even if I couldn't bring him back just a night to have some closure, tell him how much I really did love him in spite of the way things worked out, and... just try to understand better.
Ah. Well...So I have to have one-sided conversations for now. Current Mood: thoughtful
|Tuesday, October 4th, 2005|
The last email I got from Iain. In reply to my checking in because I was afraid a series of "what happened with us" emails, instigated by him, had upset him.
Date sent: Tue, 15 Jun 2004 09:20:48 -0600 (MDT)
From: Iain O'Cain <firstname.lastname@example.org>
To: Mary Ellen Wessels <email@example.com>
Subject: Re: checking in
Nothing sinister or portentious about my slow reply, I'm just really
busy and a little scattered.
Sigh. I just re-read them all. I haven't had the heart to but I did. I still can't help but feel guilty while at the same time feeling that there is nothing I could have done and yet wondering if there was. It is a terrible terrible thing to lose someone this way - a friend, a child, a lover, a good person. And the pain seems to dissapear into the background but I don't think it really goes away, certainly not for his family, close friends, and loved ones but even for anyone who knew him I suspect. Current Mood: sad and thoughtful